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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25680697">I Even Failed At Dying</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrimesJohnson/pseuds/CrimesJohnson'>CrimesJohnson</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Deep Space Nine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Garak lacks a moral compass, I promise these tags are relevant, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Julian’s will to live is weaker than decaf coffee, M/M, Numbness, Romanization of Death, Suicide Attempt, be warned i swear like a sailor, because honestly you completely agree, because when they’re having bad days it’s hard to say anything, having friends who also want to die is a trip, no one on ds9 has an ounce of perception, not beta read we die like men</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:46:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,502</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25680697</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrimesJohnson/pseuds/CrimesJohnson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Julian glanced at his bottle of sleeping pills. He might as well down the whole thing and get this whole “living” bullshit over with. It wasn’t like anything was there to stop him, right?</p><p>Wrong.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Elim Garak/Julian Bashir</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Sleep</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hey this fic is trash</p><p>if you continue reading i sincerely apologize</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“It’s time to face reality, Doctor. You’re a man who dreams of being a hero because deep down, you know that you’re not.”</p><p>Julian closed his eyes and leaned back against the arm of his couch.</p><p>True enough, he thought bitterly.</p><p>He had been angry at first. Angry that someone he had grown to call a friend would say such a thing, but really, what had he expected?</p><p>It was Garak.</p><p>Garak wasn’t his friend.</p><p>It didn’t matter how much Julian cared, how much he had enjoyed Garak’s company, how much effort he’d put into their “friendship”, Garak would never give a single damn about his existence.</p><p>Julian scoffed. The same went for everyone else, for that matter. Sure, they would smile, they would make pleasant conversation, but deep down Julian knew. No one cared. If he disappeared tomorrow, he doubted they’d look for him too hard. At most he was the station’s doctor, and that position was easily replaceable. He was expendable at best and an utter nuisance at worst.</p><p>Fortunately, Julian didn’t care anymore. More than that, he couldn’t care anymore. He was just numb. His heart was empty and his thighs were covered in scars that no longer helped, scars that no longer brought the same release of pain. It was unfortunate, really, but in all honesty, Julian appreciated it more than the alternative.</p><p>After all, it was harder to fake a smile when your every breath was agony rather than when you felt nothing at all.</p><p>Julian heaved a sigh. He was tired, remarkably tired. He wasn’t sure what day it was. He supposed it didn’t matter anymore; it was all the same to him. He wasn’t quite sure of the time, either, but his brain vaguely alluded to it being close to midnight. Normally he’d stay up later, but today had been particularly draining.</p><p>He got up with only a small grudging hum as his autopilot kicked in and he began his nightly routine. Pajamas, hygiene, water. Sleeping pills.</p><p>Julian stared blankly at the bottle. There were certainly enough pills left to kill him. It would be a nice death, he supposed. To slip into a sweet unconsciousness and then fade peacefully out of life. To become one with the void.</p><p>He unscrewed the cap. He might as well just down the whole thing. It would be nice to just stop existing. It wasn’t like there anything to stop him anyway.</p><p>A mouthful of pills and a glass of water later, the deed was done. It was oddly peaceful knowing he wasn’t going to wake up that morning. Freeing, almost. He laid down on the couch (his bed was too far away for his liking) and folded his hands over his stomach. He closed his eyes.</p><p>The world faded away, and for half a second, he let himself smile.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Hunt</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Oh, haven’t you heard?</p><p>Our dear doctor has vanished from the face of the universe.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>welcome back</p><p>i’m so so sorry this update took so long, i’ve been a little bit busy with school and whatnot</p><p>this chapter takes place on the same day as the last one, but in the morning</p><p>i hope you like it</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Garak was bored out of his mind.</p><p>Sure, he was quite busy; after all, his shop wouldn’t keep itself. But still, his mind buzzed beyond his work. He craved knowledge, mental stimulation, a battle of wits. He craved the rush of the Obsidian Order, the calculation and danger and thrill of the hunt.</p><p>But no, he was exiled and reduced to a pile of fabric and lies. He was incredibly bitter. And cold. Bitter and cold and full of spite. Hmph. He’d get out of there someday. Go home and bask in the sun, perhaps put a due end to a few old acquaintances.</p><p>But for now, he’d smile and lie and sew.</p><p>Footsteps approached his shop. Ah, yes, the first customers of probably yet another slow day.</p><p>"Good day, my fine— oh?" Garak blinked in mild surprise before smiling broadly. "Why, Major Kira! What a delightful surprise-- and if it isn't Lieutenant Dax! Welcome, welcome, how may I be of service?"</p><p>"Cut the pleasantries, Garak," Kira replied shortly. "We're not here for small talk."</p><p>"Actually, we were wondering if you've seen Julian," Dax explained. "He was supposed to meet us for breakfast an hour ago, but he never showed up."</p><p>"How remarkably curious," Garak said. "As a matter of fact, he missed lunch with me yesterday."</p><p>"Damn. Quark and Odo haven't seen him either," Dax sighed. "I hope he's okay."</p><p>"He's probably just on some sort of vacation and got so busy enjoying himself that he forgot to tell us," Kira dismissed, although it sounded like she was mostly trying to convince herself.</p><p>"Yes, well," Garak began, clasping his hands together, "I hope you find our dear doctor soon."</p><p>"Yeah," Dax sighed. "Well, thanks for the help. We'll see you around."</p><p>"Perhaps," Garak replied. "Good day."</p><p>On that note, Kira and Dax left Garak's shop.</p><p>How delightfully intriguing! Julian Bashir had disappeared from the station with apparently no warning or trace, what a wonderfully confusing puzzle. If the Constable hadn't seen him, that meant he was very likely still on the station; furthermore, if Quark hadn't seen him either, then Bashir couldn't possibly be caught up in another one of his holosuite programs. Garak knew for a fact that Julian was off shift and that there hadn't been any medical emergencies on the station, so he couldn’t be working, either.</p><p>That left about three possible explanations: he had snuck off the station, he was off doing something with Chief O’Brien, or he had been hiding in his quarters for any possible number of reasons.</p><p>All things considered, tailor supposed that the best course of action would be to check the doctor’s quarters first. That would be the easiest thing to rule out. But he was getting ahead of himself, he still needed to finish out his day at work. Or... no. He could always close his shop for the day, especially for a puzzle this interesting. Well, no, he had some particularly important orders that were supposed to be filled today, and he could use the extra latinum (or whatever other form of payment his customers happened to have).</p><p>So he’d finish his day of work, and then he’d begin the hunt for one Julian Bashir.</p><p>—</p><p>The end of the day hadn’t come nearly fast enough.

The moment his closing time hit, he had swiftly cleaned up the shop, put up his tools and materials, and locked up. turned and walked briskly down the promenade, focused on reaching Bashir’s quarters. He was so focused, in fact, that he ran directly into Miles O’Brien.</p><p>“Oh! Garak!” the Chief exclaimed in sharp surprise. “Sorry, I didn’t see you there.”</p><p>“It’s quite alright,” Garak replied.</p><p>“Hey, by the way, have you seen Julian?” O’Brien inquired. “I really need to talk to him.”</p><p>“Why, no, I haven’t,” the Cardassian said.</p><p>“Goddamnit,” O’Brien swore. “Oh well, I’ll find the bastard eventually. Fucker can’t hide forever.”</p><p>Garak hummed in amusement. “Quite. I hope you find him soon.”</p><p>“Thanks,” the engineer huffed. “See ya.”</p><p>“Indeed.”</p><p>With that, the Chief was gone.</p><p>Garak reoriented himself and collected his thoughts. So O’Brien hadn’t seen Bashir either. How curious, Garak would have guessed that O’Brien would at least know something about the nature of Bashir’s disappearance. They did seem to be rather close friends. Well, however interesting, Garak’s list was now down to two, and he was going to investigate one now.</p><p>It took slightly longer than the Cardassian would’ve liked to reach Bashir’s quarters, but he could make up the time if he needed to. He reached up to the entry panel and pressed the buzzer. There was no response. After a few seconds, he pressed again. Still no response.</p><p>Garak hummed sightly in vague acknowledgment. Of course, since Bashir wasn’t answering, he would have to hack the door open. After all, it was entirely possible that he was simply ignoring the buzzer. Opening the door was quick work; the station really did need to improve its security.</p><p>The door slid open and Garak stepped inside. He surveyed the scene: Bashir was sleeping on the couch; the coffee table in front of him held an empty pill bottle and a stack of books.</p><p>So that was why he hadn’t answered the door.</p><p>Garak walked over to the table and sorted through the stack of books. It had been a while since he had seen anything like them, as paper reading material was quite rare. It made sense that Julian would own some. There were a few titles that Garak recognized from comments the doctor made during their lunches, and there were a few that he didn’t know.</p><p>Garak moved from the books to the pill bottle, picking it up and reading the label. Sleeping pills. “Take one pill before sleep as needed”, it read. “Do not exceed five milligrams”. Garak glanced down the prescription date.</p><p>A week ago.</p><p>The bottle could very probably hold enough pills to last two months, and that was if they were of large or medium size. The bottle was empty, implying Bashir had taken them all.</p><p>He had taken them all. That meant— that meant...</p><p>Bashir wasn’t sleeping.</p><p>He was dying.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hey thanks for reading this far, it means a lot to me</p><p>i’m gonna try to update at least once a week, but i might not be able to. i’m really sorry about that and i promise that i’m doing my best (how do other writers have enough stamina to write chapters that are thousands of words long like really)</p><p>have a wonderful day</p><p>&lt;3</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>why are you still here xD</p><p>sorry it was so short :/</p><p>have a good one y’all</p><p>&lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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